This is an email I received this afternoon as I walked into the grocery store:To: Stacy From: Sheepdog Subject: List of 5 Beyonce is off the list effective immediately. Please install either Gabrielle Union or Zoe Saldana.
That was it. And I know exactly why he sent the message… he must have just heard that Beyonce is pregnant. And he took her off of his list because he does not like pregnant women. And I knew it was coming. He is so predictable.
I take full responsibility for this. You might find it strange that the father of five children has such an aversion to those who are ripe with child. I give you that it may seem odd on the surface, but if you do the math you will realize that I have been pregnant for just under four of the eighteen years that we have been married. That is almost a quarter of our whole marriage that I have been knocked up, craving weird things, and complaining about sciatica, morning sickness, swollen lady parts and Braxton-Hicks. No wonder he doesn’t like pregnant women. As a group we/ they are not always the most fun to be around. I always say that I loved being pregnant, but Sheepdog remembers a completely different experience.
He also gets really disgusted about what pregnancy can do to a woman’s body. I think he was in awe of the creation of life and all that jazz when I was carrying Kid A, but that sh!t got old fast. He was affected more than I was by the weight gain, the body morphing, the waddle-walk… and that’s nothing compared to the horrific pregnancy phenomenon that occasionally occurs where a once beautiful woman changes from head to toe so much that she doesn’t even look like herself anymore. It’s like the baby pokes them from inside with an ugly stick.
Now, don’t go judging Sheepdog harshly. Sheepdog is actually a man who thinks that all women are beautiful. So much that I often have to tell him to chill about it. I think that man was born with a little extra testosterone or something. And he is wonderfully sweet to me no matter what I look like, even when I was about-to-blow pregnant. He is just that much happier knowing that he will never be married to a pregnant woman… never, ever again.
So Sheepdog once again finds himself adjusting his List of 5. His list at one time or another has included Selma Hayek, Jessica Alba, and other beautiful women who made the mistake of procreating and thus alienating Sheepdog forever. I guess I’m lucky that he still likes me after all the times I’ve been pregnant. Not so much luck for Mrs. Jay-Z, I guess.
I will confirm this with him when he gets home from work, but I’m guessing his inner-monologue reaction to seeing Beyonce round in the belly went something like this:“Wait… what? My dirty girl is pregnant?” “Heh, heh… she did It.” “Crap, now I have to change my list.”
And thus, the e-mail from this afternoon. He really is predictable.
Wish me luck for tomorrow…