Dear New(ish) Neighbor Across the Street,
I planned to come by and say hello. I intended to introduce myself. I wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood, and do all the welcome-y things that good neighbors are supposed to do, just like Mr. Rogers taught me (well, maybe not the singing and the acting out stuff with puppets and toy trolleys and such, but you know what I mean). Sigh. But I haven’t. And now literal months have gone by. And I feel really bad about it.
I can make all of the excuses. You moved in during Spring Break. Spring Break! During Spring Break this year I was busy in Florida hating the beach in the rain along with too many loud people inside of a too small house. And then we got right back into school and activities and all of the things, so dropping by to say howdy to you fell to the bottom of my to do list.
Plus, you’re a dude. And from what I can discern with my mad private investigator skilz, you do not have a wife but you do have a couple of every other weekend teen-aged kids. What if you just went through an ugly divorce and now you hate all wife-type women?
And you rarely seem to be home. I saw you walking your tiny dog in the mornings while I was waiting with the boys for the school bus. But I never see you at other times of the day. What am I supposed to do? Sit on my front porch and wait for you to come home from work, and then go knock on your door? What if you come home from work and immediately have to go to the bathroom? I would be knocking and you would either have to poopus interruptus, or ignore me (because now I know you are home… I just watched you pull into the garage). That would be so weird. And not a little awkward for everybody involved.
I had a plan to bake you some brownies, which is what some very nice new neighbors of ours did when we moved into our house seven years ago. But every time I bake a batch of brownies, somebody in this house eats at least one out of the tray and wrecks the possibility of gifting the whole batch. OK, you got me. I’m the one who eats them, but that’s neither here nor there. And now I resent you a little bit for making it super convenient for me to eat brownies.
Then, I decided I would buy some Greenies treats or a toy for your dog. I went to PetSmart down the street and I had a traumatic flashback to the time that I thought it would be a great idea to adopt two puppies at once, but I got so anxious that I had to return them after only 48 hours and my kids still hate me to this day because of it and I feel like a broken human being because I guess I don’t truly like dogs and the whole experience was just horrible. Well, thanks for bringing that whole nightmare back up.
Maybe I will bring you a housewarming gift instead. A six pack? Maybe you don’t drink. How about something crafty or homemade… soup mix or take out menus from local restaurants? Something decorative or practical for the house… candles, a photo frame, a house plant?
OK, OK. This is going in a weird direction. I feel that I have made this way more complicated than it needs to be. Let’s start over.
Welcome, neighbor. Better late than never, right? Here is my family’s contact information. We’d love to get to know you. Feel free to stop by anytime.
P.S. I swear I’m totally normal.
Wish me luck for tomorrow…