Tales From the Check-Out


You are shopping at the K-Roger, loading up on your groceries for the week.  It is Sunday afternoon, so unfortunately everybody else in town is doing the same thing.  When you get to the check out there are so many people there that they actually have two full-order lines open in addition to the 15-items or less and the self-check lanes (and why in the world do they build ten regular lanes when they never, ever use them?).  There is a register clerk and a bagger (or two) in each lane so things are running as smoothly as they possibly can.  But the queues are still three or four or five shopping carts deep, so you wait.

While you are standing around you check out the trashy mags and tabloid headlines.  You learn that Plastic Surgery Malibu Decathlete Ken walked his step-daughter down the aisle on Saturday, that somebody is calling out the Fresh Prince as a Fresh Princess and saying his marriage is a sham, and my fantasy elevator tryst with Ben Affleck was not as meaningful as I thought because he and his beautiful wife are apparently having a third baby.  Sigh.

Finally you are on deck.  The cute teenage couple in front of you only has a few items, so it won’t be long now.  Then you notice what the two of them are actually buying…

14 oz. bag of M&Ms candy (2 for $4 on sale);
11 oz. bag of mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (2 for $6 on sale);
a pack of Wrigley’s 5 gum, cobalt flavor;
and a 3-pack of Ultra Ribbed Trojan Stimulations condoms

Now, this is a perfect time for someone to say something to release the tension that has been mounting as all of these people wait in grocery lines.  Many are getting impatient and could use a good giggle.  Several fantastic quips want to shoot out of your mouth like automatic weapon fire:

“Oops, somebody forgot the whipped cream!”

“Candy and sex!  Is it your anniversary?”

“I think I saw a 9-1/2 Weeks DVD in the $5 bin.  You may want to grab that.”

“I guess we won’t be seeing either of you kids on 16 and Pregnant next season!”

It's always smarter to buy the 36-pack

But instead you hold it all in.  After they pay and take their goodies out of the store the bagging clerk remarks offhandedly, “At least somebody is going to have fun tonight.”

Your stuff would have been way funnier.

Wish me luck for tomorrow…

3 responses to “Tales From the Check-Out

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