Category Archives: shopping

Say It! Say It! Say It!

Posted on by Stacy Swiger

I have said this before, but it bears repeating…

Sometimes I just can’t control my own ornery.

I try (some days I try harder than others) to act civilized and “normal,” but there are times when I just let it all hang out simply because it feels good.  Plus, it makes me feel closer to (Ma) Kettle.  That’s my mom’s mom who died from cancer two years ago.  She was the Queen of Letting Your Freak Run Around Unchecked and Unfiltered.  Admittedly, she could be totally embarrassing in public but that woman was fun and funny as hell.  And I sure do miss her.

“If you don’t like it, you can go shit in your hat!”

Anyway, I was at my home away from home the grocery store last week stocking up on items I buy in bulk that don’t fit in the cart during regular orders (10 or so cases of flavored seltzer water, a mega-pack of toilet paper and paper towels, 2-for-1 bottles of vitamins, multiple giant bottles of wine… essentials for the apocalypse).  I packed my cart to the brim and I headed to the checkout.  Being the frequent flyer that I am at this store (back in college a dive bar called Cavanaugh’s was my Cheers, now-a-days the ghetto Kroger is where everybody knows my name… sigh), someone scrambled to open a lane just for me.

I actually did not recognize the clerk who was giving me the red carpet treatment.  He was definitely new.  But he ran his lane with mad skill and had me through in a jiffy.  As I was whipping out my credit card and preparing to swipe it he told me to hold up, as his register was spitting stuff out like it was a married Jewish girl.

“Ooooh!  You got a lot of coupons today,” said the newbie.

“Oh yeah?  Anything I can use right now?”  I asked, unimpressed unless there was.

He examined the paper strip with feigned intensity.  “Mmmmm… I don’t really know you (as he looks back at all the wine and TP) but you seem like you would probably buy Lunchables.  And you’re a girl, so you can definitely use this last one for… you know.”

Insulted by his insinuation yet intrigued by his phrasing, I push back.  “I know what?”

I look at the coupon that I now presume is covered in anthrax because this guy won’t even touch it with his bare hands.  It is a coupon for tampons.  Harmless, little cotton tampons.  And just the thought of them is freaking this guy out.  My ornery is just begging to come out and play.

“Tampons,”  I say boldly.  “Can’t you even say the word?  Tampons, tampons, tampons.”  My voice is getting louder.  Several nearby heads turn in the direction of our lane.  “It is 2012.  You are a grown-ass man.  You have got to be kidding me,” I whisper-yell.

“Shhhhhhhhhhh!  You don’t have to say it!” he whisper-whispers back at me as his face turns the color of a baboon’s butt.  “Stop saying that word!”

I figure that I have embarrassed him just enough to retaliate for the pre-packaged-kids’-lunch-box-product comment, but I insist on adding one more thing.  “So you’re single, right?  (He glares back at me but I see from his reaction that I am correct)  Well, you will never get a real, live girlfriend if you can’t even say the word ‘tampon’ out loud.  So here’s your homework for today… when you get done your shift you’re gonna get in your car and drive home.  I want you to say the word ‘tampon’ over and over and over for the entire trip.  Tampon, tampon, tampon, tampon.  It will be good for you.”

I then go out into the parking lot and unload my cart full of goodies.  During my own car ride home I proceed to chant not only “tampon, tampon, tampon” but also “penis, penis, penis” and “vagina, vagina, vagina” for good measure.  I like to keep my reflexes sharp, you know.

When I got home I unloaded the car and went upstairs to take a shower before I started making dinner.  Ironically enough, it was then that I realized that Aunt Flo had come for her annoying monthly visit.  And guess what was missing from my bathroom cabinet?

I wish this post was in color so I could end it with a big red period.  More than that, I wish I had used that stupid coupon.

Wish me luck for tomorrow…

Why I Don’t Bring My Kids to the Grocery Store

Posted on by Stacy Swiger

I usually try to go to the grocery store while the kids are all in school.  Then there are days when I run out of something specific (usually wine) but my morning schedule does not allow for a grocery run, so I just take Kid E in with me after I pick him up from school.  Nick the Meat Guy, Bill the Deli Guy and all of the checkout ladies were shocked recently to hear that I have five kids.  They all thought I just had the one.  I was flattered at first (“NO WAY that you have five kids!”) but then I wondered who in the world they thought ate all of the food that I buy.  No joke that if Kroger had a Frequent Flyer program, I’d be going free and First Class to Fiji right now.

Anyway, attempting to the grocery store with one kid is not so bad.  I can even occasionally tolerate shopping with two kids in tow.  But three or more kids tagging along is clumsy and crowded and not ideal.  They all want stuff (“Can we puh-leeeeese get Lucky Charms?”) and try to push the cart (usually into a very tall and breakable display) and get all needy and have to go to the bathroom or lose one shoe somewhere along the way, thus wrecking my dream to ever get recruited by the Supermarket Sweep people.

So when I realized today that I was again out of wine I tried to go to the store early to stock up.  Unfortunately, I was at the salon all morning undergoing Step Two of a multi-step process by which I am becoming a redhead (a post for a different day), and I was unable to make it work.  I had to wait for Kids C and D to get off the elementary bus and then we all headed out for just a few things.

I don’t know if it was the full moon or that it is Friday or it is so close to Christmas or my kids are just weird, but it was complete chaos in the store and it ended with a fit of giggles on the car ride home.  It was actually a really fun time.  This is how they looked right before we unloaded our haul:

Wish me luck for tomorrow…

Tales From the Check-Out

Posted on by Stacy Swiger

Scenario:

You are shopping at the K-Roger, loading up on your groceries for the week.  It is Sunday afternoon, so unfortunately everybody else in town is doing the same thing.  When you get to the check out there are so many people there that they actually have two full-order lines open in addition to the 15-items or less and the self-check lanes (and why in the world do they build ten regular lanes when they never, ever use them?).  There is a register clerk and a bagger (or two) in each lane so things are running as smoothly as they possibly can.  But the queues are still three or four or five shopping carts deep, so you wait.

While you are standing around you check out the trashy mags and tabloid headlines.  You learn that Plastic Surgery Malibu Decathlete Ken walked his step-daughter down the aisle on Saturday, that somebody is calling out the Fresh Prince as a Fresh Princess and saying his marriage is a sham, and my fantasy elevator tryst with Ben Affleck was not as meaningful as I thought because he and his beautiful wife are apparently having a third baby.  Sigh.

Finally you are on deck.  The cute teenage couple in front of you only has a few items, so it won’t be long now.  Then you notice what the two of them are actually buying…

14 oz. bag of M&Ms candy (2 for $4 on sale);
11 oz. bag of mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (2 for $6 on sale);
a pack of Wrigley’s 5 gum, cobalt flavor;
and a 3-pack of Ultra Ribbed Trojan Stimulations condoms

Now, this is a perfect time for someone to say something to release the tension that has been mounting as all of these people wait in grocery lines.  Many are getting impatient and could use a good giggle.  Several fantastic quips want to shoot out of your mouth like automatic weapon fire:

“Oops, somebody forgot the whipped cream!”

“Candy and sex!  Is it your anniversary?”

“I think I saw a 9-1/2 Weeks DVD in the $5 bin.  You may want to grab that.”

“I guess we won’t be seeing either of you kids on 16 and Pregnant next season!”

It's always smarter to buy the 36-pack

But instead you hold it all in.  After they pay and take their goodies out of the store the bagging clerk remarks offhandedly, “At least somebody is going to have fun tonight.”

Your stuff would have been way funnier.

Wish me luck for tomorrow…

Wrangling the Entropy Tip #6, Happy Birthday Every Flipping Week!

Posted on by Stacy Swiger

It has been said that I have a fairly large family.  Actually it all depends on what circles we’re hanging in, as mine is nothing when I’m hanging with my Catholic, Mormon or Ethiopian peeps.  Five kids ain’t Jack to them and they call me names like “baby-making slacker” and laugh snidely that we can drive everyone around in one car that does not have the name “Blue Bird” soldered on the side.  But considering that the average American family still only has 1.86 children, we’re technically still above the curve.

Figure also that I have three sisters and Sheepdog has one.  Those sisters each have a spouse plus 3, 3, 3 and 2 kids each, respectively.  Add our parents, the siblings and their husbands, Sheepdog plus me and our five kids, and we are celebrating birthdays and important holidays and milestones for fourteen adults and sixteen kids each year.  It’s a lot to coordinate.  So much that it becomes a pain in the butt and I don’t always want to do it.  So I don’t do it all.

No, I do not pick my favorites and only send them presents (great idea, but it tends to lead to some family drama).  Nor do I universally ignore birthdays and skip Christmas (although some years I would like to).  We go in together on presents and we share the responsibility of buying the gifts.  It works for us.

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The Joint Birthday Gift(s)

On my side of the family we have all agreed that $25 per family is a fair amount to spend on kids’ birthday presents, especially when there are so many of them (kids, not presents).  Now, $25 is not really a lot of money anymore when you take it to a Target or Toys R Us or http://www.amazon.com.  So we decided that we would pool our money and get $75 worth of gifts (one big, several small… whatever works based upon the kid’s wish list).  That way, too, only one person has to do the shopping and wrapping and card making.  The gifts are very personal (not just a gift card) and it doesn’t feel like so much of an obligation or a chore because you are not doing it every few weeks (which is seriously how often gift-worthy occasions come up around here).

This was the signature page for my niece's 2nd birthday card. And it doesn't even include her mom and dad or her siblings.

The UoweME List

My sisters and I keep a running list because we are always rotating who does the shopping.  This also comes in handy for bridal and baby showers, graduations and flower deliveries.  We agree upon a dollar amount, pool our money and buy something a little bigger than we would be able to buy if we each bought gifts separately.  We give the responsibility of maintaining the list to one person and settle up quarterly.  If the buying/ spending is done equally then we rarely have much to settle up.

The Christmas Pollyanna/Secret Santa gift exchange

At Christmas we assign a cousin to each kid (Kid A gets Cousin 7, Cousin 7 gets Kid E, and so on until all of the cousins are giving to and receiving from somebody).  We give those Christmas presents a $30 limit, with some flexibility.  So instead of buying a dollar store piece of junk, or overshooting your Christmas budget every year, we buy nice gifts that the receivers actually want.  Everybody gets fewer gifts overall, but it’s quality over quantity.  Win/ win.

For the siblings and our spouses, we set up a similar gift exchange but we do couples gifts that have a $100 limit.  Sister B and spouse buys for Sister D and spouse, Sister D and spouse buy for another sister and spouse, etc.  We each submit wish lists or ideas so that everybody is also getting something that they want.

For our parents, we get ideas from them and then go in on the gifts together.  This cuts down on returns, limits everybody’s overall shopping and because all of the presents are from everybody, it ensures that there are no favorites (my gift was nicer/ more expensive/ more personal than your gift, so of course mom loves me more).

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Now, a few things need to happen for these systems to work.  My group happens to be my immediate family, but any group with similar buying interests would work just as well.  Maybe you have a circle of friends and you all buy birthday and other holiday presents for each other and/ or each other’s kids every year.  You also need to have similar budgets.  And there can’t be any slackers in the group either.  Everybody has to step up to shop for, pay for, wrap and deliver some presents in order for it to work.

So go find your own group and give yourself a break every once in a while.  It’ll be your own little present.  So, you’re welcome.

Wish me luck for tomorrow…

Back to School Shopping Did Not Suck

Posted on by Stacy Swiger

Yesterday we started our back to school shopping.  Nope, I’m not kidding.  It has been almost ten years and I still haven’t quite made the mental calendar adjustment, especially since I grew up not going back to school after Labor Day (more specifically, the day after the Miss America parade up on the Atlantic City boardwalk, which we attended every year… “Show us your shoes!”).  In the South we usually go back to school really early – no later than mid-August, but realize that my kids have been on summer break since before Memorial Day.  I may not ready for summer to be over, yet the countdown has begun.

I had to buy a shower curtain the other day, so I bopped on in to a Walmart.  (I was able to bop because I was alone.  There is never any bopping when you have a constant parade following you around.  We are kind of like a traveling circus.)  On my way to the shower curtain department I couldn’t help but notice that the back to school supplies were already on sale.  And then I calculated that there are only four weeks left until school starts.  So I went back home and announced to the kids that they should start going through their clothes and shoes to see what fits and what doesn’t, and we would figure out what everybody needs to be ready for school.

Let me say right now that I am generally not a fan of shopping.  It’s just not my thing.  If I need something, I go get it.  Otherwise, I do not go to stores.  I do not browse.  If I ever meet the person who invented internet shopping I will make out with him or her.  My mom shops like it is her job and I grew up being dragged from store to store to store to store.  I have so many childhood memories of hiding under display racks and waiting in checkout lines.  I absolutely hated going shopping as a kid.  We went to retail stores, outlet malls, discount chains, farmer’s markets, and garage sales.  It was nothing short of torture for me.

So shopping with me as an adult is all about the efficiency.  It is certainly never an all day event, but even the simplest shopping trip with all five kids can sometimes take a little while.  We planned to go to three stores, which are conveniently located in the same shopping center.  We had looked at the weather (the forecast was cloudy with a chance of thunderstorms) and decided that yesterday was a good day to go shopping, even though it was hot and sunny when we left the house.  We bought some shoes, a bunch of clothes, and most of the school supplies on their lists.  The kids were especially well behaved the entire time (which is a critical component of successfully completing a shopping trip of this magnitude) and the weather even cooperated by clearing up (the storms had arrived in full force while Kid B was trying on some new shorts) whenever we left a store to walk down to another one or load bags into our car.  Dare I say that shopping on this day did not suck?

In the last store I was paying for our stuff and the kids were behind me off to the side near the entry display.  We had quite a haul and check out was taking a while.  As she was scanning the giant pile of clothes, the cashier asked me if all of the kids were mine.  I responded with what I thought was a very believable, “… all FIVE?  No!”  Because I have all of these residual icky feelings towards shopping I guess I figured my shopping luck had run out and they had just broken something or were swinging from the rafters or Kid E had removed his pants or something else inappropriate.  But they were actually being really quiet and still and posing amongst the mannequins.  Kid A even took a picture of them…

"Mom, lemme ask you, did I ever do anything really strange as a child?… Is there any history of insanity in the family?" - Mannequin, 1987

Now that was a fun shopping trip.

Wish me luck for tomorrow…