One of the things I have always loved about little kids is that they are as real as it gets. There is rarely any ulterior motive or mind games or hidden meaning behind their words or actions. If they are hungry, they ask for food. If they are tired, they will fall asleep. If they have to go, they go. And they tell it like it is.
Mommy is Number One; Daddy is Number Two
Kid E is sufficiently potty trained and has been for a while now. The problem is that he is too short to pee into the bowl and shake without making a mess every time. And yes, I tried having him use a stool and I did not enjoy having him pee up onto the back of the toilet bowl or even one time the bathroom counter, just because he could reach up there. Our solution was to have him sit on the toilet. He very quickly developed the annoying habit of needing to take everything off (pants, underpants, shoes AND socks) each time he went. It was a complete pain. Being the mature parents that Sheepdog and I are, we both took to pretending that we did not hear Kid E when he announced that he had to go to the bathroom (I am an excellent fake sleeper). Never one to give up on shirking the really mundane parenting duties, Sheepdog and I upped our ante and started hiding when he called us. Kid E is a smart bugger, so he has now assigned specific tasks to each of us… I cover the Number Ones and Sheepdog gets to handle the Number Twos. This solution is fine, except that Kid E has developed a shorthand speak about it and now he just yells out, “Mommy is pee!,” or “Daddy is poop!” And he doesn’t even get in trouble for calling us names because he is just telling it like it is.
Toilet Star Wars
Kid E is getting taller every day, and he can usually reach the bowl standing up. Since Sheepdog and I are completely over the removal of every article of clothing below the belt every time Kid E has to go, we are thrilled about it. While staying at my mom and dad’s house for our ridiculously long family trip we have had some issues with everyone having to go at the same time, however, and not enough free bathrooms available to satisfy that need. So one time Kid D and Kid E both had to go (right now!) and I told them to just go at the same time in the same potty. As you can imagine, their streams crossed in an “X” formation and a lightsaber duel ensued. Now I swear they are synched up to always go at the same time (right now!) just so they can fight it out Sith style over the bowl. Boys are so gross.
Just Go In The Ocean
This story is an older one as Kid C is ten years old now, but it is quite applicable to today’s post so I am including it. Years ago we were enjoying a beautiful beach day and Kid C decided that she needed to pee. Quick, fast and in a hurry. She was about three or four years old at the time and Kid D was just a baby and my hands were full (probably breastfeeding him without anyone being any the wiser on the beach because I am full of all kinds of talents), so I told her to just go in the waves and pee right there. She looked at me like I was an alien, but I reassured her that all the little kids did it and no one would know so she should just go down to the water’s edge, whistle like nothing was happening and just let go. Little kid pee is mostly water anyway. She walked away like I was the crazy one but she really had to go, so off she went down past the lifeguard stand to relieve herself. Next thing I know she was doing just that. Except I did not think to clarify the subtlety of the maneuver and she had completely removed her bathing suit and was mimicking a sitting position, just as she would if she were on an actual potty – naked as a jaybird with pee clearly running down her leg. Smooth. I pretended that she wasn’t my kid for the rest of the day.
You Have to What?
We were at a friend’s pool yesterday after a nice beach day just as all of the BBQ and firework festivities began. My kids are part fish, so they were swimming up a storm. Not much can get them out of the water once they are in. The only exceptions are lightning and bathroom breaks. When the latter struck, Kid D ran out of the pool soaking wet, screaming with total abandon, “I have to poop!” He did not care that absolutely everyone at the party (probably everyone in the town) had heard him. He didn’t care that the very cute little girl who lived there was taking him by the hand to show him where the bathroom was and she was fully aware that he was about to drop a deuce. He just didn’t give a sh!t.
It is awesome to me how simple being a kid can be. I hope for my kids that they get to experience that feeling for as long as possible. No worries. Do what you like. Say what you mean without worrying what other people think. And next time you have to go, just walk down to the water’s edge, strip naked and let go.
Wish me luck for tomorrow…