Well, crap.

So I have heard that nobody can watch the first video because of an error on YouTube regarding copyright infringement.  Which sucks because I paid for every single song I used in that video (don’t ever steal music, kids).  So now you can’t see how awesome I am at moviemaking (Shout out: iMovie!).  I guess you’ll just have to take my word for it.

Or maybe this will work (I do not give up easily)…

The Going Out Speech

Kid B went to a party in the neighborhood last weekend. She had another friend from school with her. They spent hours getting ready upstairs. I’m talking pedicures on their toes, trying on all their clothes. I asked if they needed a ride to the clubhouse when they were finished.

“No!… I mean, thanks, but we can walk from here.”


My educated guess is that they were meeting up with some boys on the way to the party. Harmless enough. I remember making out with a boy or two playing spin the bottle in eighth grade, and I had waaaaaaay more freedom to roam around my hometown during those years. As long as they weren’t brushing their teeth with a bottle of Jack first, right?

But as more memories came flooding back of the things my thirteen and fourteen-year-old self thought and did, I decided that I should at least say something to them before they headed out for their night of (hopefully) harmless antics (after first doing a casual breath check for alcohol). They were clear so I gave them my standard going out speech:

“Girls, look at me and listen when I tell you this. When you go out this door, you are not only representing yourselves but you are representing this family as well. Have a good time, but also behave in a way that makes you proud of your actions. Don’t be whores.”

Kid B shook her head in acknowledgement (and a touch of embarrassment, as I had just yelled “whores” out the garage door and into the night) and her friend asked if she could have my spiel on an index card. I had given them a similar pep talk on Halloween night before they all went out trick-or-treating, so she knew the drill. She claimed that my speech made her feel cared for and good. Or she was making fun of me. Either way, at least the sentiment of being loved and worthy of self-respect was in their consciousness as they walked down the driveway.

I realize that soon my going out speech for Kid B is going to have to change a little. I recently included an aside on “not having sex in the basement guest bedroom” in one of my soliloquies to Kid A. At one time or another I will more than likely refer to the following… cheating, grinding, alcohol, 3rd base, sexting, skipping school, making out with teachers, shoplifting, prescription drugs, illegally downloading music, unprotected sex, meth, unprotected sex while on meth, vandalism, eyeballing, “No” means “No,” drinking and driving, and fashioning bongs from household items… and that’s just a warm up.

For the record, I am against most of those things.

But even though the topics that I cover (mostly for shock value and quite often ripped off from a recent episode of Glee) may vary and I may be a hypocrite for telling them not to do those things and they may or may not follow my sage advice, my kids (and their friends) will always know that they are important and special and that I care enough to yell “whore” out into the dark night for them.

Wish me luck for tomorrow…

"Son, unless you are always wearing a hoodie, you'd better keep your bird in the cage.  I tell you this because I love you." Photo: Yahoo Images

“Son, unless you are always wearing a hoodie, you’d better keep your bird in the cage. I tell you this because you are important and I love you.” Photo: Yahoo Images

You’re Sixteen and We Know It

When you walk on by, boys be looking like, “Damn, she fly!”
You sing to the beat, walking down the street in your new DCs (yeah)
This is how you roll, pink leg warmers outta control
It’s Hermione with a big ass ‘fro
And like Clarissa, you explain it all (yo)

It's actually Kid B who wears the DCs, but they fit in the song so I went with it

A teenager who knows everything... go figure!

Girl, look at that body
Girl, look at that body
Girl, look at that body.
She d-d-dances ballet
When you walk in the spot, (yeah) this is what I see (okay)
Everybody stops and they staring at thee
You got the keys to Daddy’s car and you ain’t afraid to drive it, drive it, drive it (slow)
You’re sixteen and we know it
Yo, when you’re at the mall, Forever 21 gets all your dough
When you’re at the beach, you’re doing sisones, try to get The Pose (watch!)

Kid A's Mexican sisone

This is how you roll, come on B it’s time to go
You headed on a dinner date, hope you get good service
Daddy’s cleaning his guns, but boy don’t be nervous (whaat?!)
Text, text, text, text, text yeah
Text, text, text, text, text yeah
Text, text, text, text, text yeah
Girl, look at that body
Girl, look at that body
Girl, look at that body.
She d-d-dances ballet


Kid A had a milestone birthday last week.  She was given the option some months ago of having either a Sweet Sixteen party or a car.  Being a very smart kid, she opted for the car.

But my mom was having none of that nonsense.  Sheepdog and I can give her a car, but she was giving her a party.  Armed with her party planning experience and a purple and silver theme, she set off like a force of nature.  I heard her exclaim on more than one occasion, “I have a vision!  Get out of my way!”

So we did, and Kid A got to celebrate turning sixteen with her friends, her family, a DJ and an awesome spread.

And apparently I have been influenced way more by Weird Al Yankovic than I care to admit.  Shout out to LMFAO and their hysterical song, “Sexy and I Know It” for the basis of my song parody.

LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It”

Wish me luck for tomorrow…